What do you Think of this Poem opening?

-At school, we have to write a poem for this contest. Tell me what you think of this opening...

Diminishing Light;

Darkness Incarnate;

Dwindling Hope;

I see no light.



Lingering in the dark;

I sense the creeping... crawling in the mist;

Lurking, holding, breathing deep;

Solemn pain amidst the moonlit dark.



Ok, give me suggestions please! I just thought of it but I need some help! Thanks!I, personally, really like your opening. I like the fact that in the first stanza you are using two words a sentence, but very descriptive words. Reading this, I assume that your poem is about a difficult time in history.

I also admire how you are in a sense keeping us in the dark by not mentioning what it is that is

"Lingering in the dark", "crawling in the mist", and "Lurking, holding, breathing deep".



Overall, I would thirst to read the entire poem.where do high school students get words like incarnate? from a thesaurus, from a class poem?

it just doesn't work, it would be like using "thee" for you in your poems.
It is complete and worthy as it stands, in my opinion.I would like to see where it is leading! Keep going, it is good.
It seems like your trying to hard. Your putting in big words (and that good) but you still have to make it flow
i like it how it is,sounds really good.