Poem for an older audience, what do you think?

-A stranger dawn will pour to gain

Clustered oyster whoring men

Stranger clash appears again

Before the day we all chimed in



Feel the grove in solid pain

Stars will rush in dotted chains

Up your soul we meet again

It was that day that I gave in



Stranger kisses forever know

The spiked flow she gives in show

Strange like what weve seen before

Unknown loves my desperate H-O-R-E.The rhyming sounds forced and unnatural... the theme is solid, but i wish the wording/diction flowed better and had less of a raw edge to it, caused by the rhyming... Remember, it doesn't have to rhyme! but if it must, make sure you keep a natural flow of words.



Also, perhaps some more punctuation in symbolic places could help reinforce the meaning. but don't insert punctuation for the sake of including it alone, make sure you really think out every place you put it and why you put it there!
Bold and good! You should post this in the erotic section in the poetry castle



If you like writing poetry, you should check out the Poetry Castle-- http://www.fliprap.com/forumdisplay.php?鈥?/a>



It's a website where you can post your poems, get and give feedback, join online poetry battles, meet other writers, become a part of a great community, join poetry exercise forums, and discussions. You'll love it there. Invite a friend to join with u if you want.