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2011年8月4日星期四

Please critique the following poem?

-Just wanted to hear a couple of thoughts on the poem below.







I MAY HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG IMPRESSION



My vision was exceeding;

But my mind knew not what it saw.



I thought I saw love in a handout

So I tried to re-gift it,

Handing it out like charity.



They retorted with puzzled stares,

Standing about without humor.



"You're not so bad," They'd say,

Laughing, as I asked for love,

Laughing, as I walked away.Assuming that is your picture. When I first saw your question I thought this would just be another one of those young kids that tosses some words down on paper and calls it a poem. Not the greatest of course but it is well written and the beats are fairly tight.

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I wouldn't try to make it longer, this is just one poem. I think the best thing to do is to tighten up those beats a little more by adding words that say the same thing. Or changing them a little to tighten it up. The feeling is there but poems need to be worked with so they flow better.

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