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2011年8月1日星期一

How can I improve this poem?

-A frail cowered form in the shadows of the night,

an orphan of a fact that we denied was ever known.

Dissociative by means of the prescription the mind writes,

memories in a garden walled and gated, overgrown.



No birdsong comes out of the somber stillness;

silent as the vermin that crawl out of the pipes.

A miser darkly glowering over all that feel this,

lashes out with hatred's whip, leaving bloody stripes.



A sudden gust of chill in the unvented chamber

blows away the compost that is heaped beyond the gate.

The heart is now a firefly suspended dead in amber

The garden is in wither, and the storm will not abate.



Orphans of thoughts slink slowly down a dark street,

where introversion and indifference chanced to meet.I don't think you could and keep the sentiment alive.



roll on---write on



your MUSE is WIDE awake!



鈾モ櫏An unusual sonnet that avoids the claustrophobia of the pentameter. Overall I like this but 'A miser' stopped me and made me query the word. Now 'Orphans of thoughts' is brilliant as is much else in this work. I really feel the atmosphere so if you do decide to alter in any way the 'feeling' in this should be held. Each line has been crafted and that is why I feel the emotion in this. You are on a roll - inspiration is with you now!
Get rid of the Birdsong additive.last time you answered me saying birds were not singing,

My poem wound up on a nature site,under birds.The Bird is the Word,not to be misused.

Introversion seems overblown.Meanings are lost when many can not grasp the translation.

I have no idea what that word is.Otherwise it is a chilling,dark great poem.

This is what i watch for.An 8 1/2.

byeeexxx
Not sure, it is an interesting write as is.
I can't fix it because I don't understand a line of it. It reads nicely.

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