Ok I will try to ask for anyone help or comments on this poem?

-she sings to herself

while I watch her eyes flutter

when it becomes too sad.

she stops singing then

and looks at me for help

and I don't know what to say.

the window in front of her

has no answers

but we both look through it

and wait.last four lines put a lump in my throat.

splendidIt has good emotion and tone, but it needs to be more tangible. Try using creative images to describe the feelings. Like, instead of using "I don't know what to say," use "but the words are like puzzle pieces in my head that just won't fit together," or "but a road block sits on my tongue and words just won't pass. These images are more original and make the feeling more specific than just not knowing what to say.



Try using 'yet' or 'still' instead of 'but' in line 9.



Try coming up with a title for the poem that adds more detail to line 3. What is the 'it' that becomes too sad? A title such as "waiting for our sister..." would better communicate the idea that someone close may or may not be coming home. What ever you imagined the two in the poem waiting for, give a hint or a tell in the title. Just avoid using names. By not using a name in this poem, the reader will fill in the blank with someone they know.



Last bit of advice: use the '...' (called an ellipses). The three periods in a row will be a way of using punctuation to create a feeling of suspense and waiting. (Make sure you at least end the last line with it to add on to that irresolution the characters are feeling).



One thing that is fantastic in the poem! I love the fact that the "window... / has no answers" It makes it like a book or a person. The fact that the characters consult the window for an answer is a really powerful image. Fantastic job with that!