Is this peom good?????

-I was tieing your shoe , when all of a sudden you turned blue , when you fell to the ground , i screamed but there was no sound ,and now when i speak i sound like a freak , because that day when i tied your shoe , you died at the age of twoThe first time I read it I didn't get it.



Now I do and I'm depressed. Jesus. Not really good in a technical sense, but it got an emotion out of me so...well done? I hope to God this isn't a true story.



Advice: Chagce second or third line. You start both with "when", which isn't good.
natural talent
its okay check spelling-i think that tying is spelled incorrectly.
its okay but try my country poem named "pantun" or old poem

if you can make only 1 then you a genius